Weekend retreat

My weekend in the cabin went well. I arrived Friday evening while it was still light, thankfully. The 15km gravel road took me at least half an hour to drive up (I am estimating, as I didn’t take a watch with me, and I didn’t know what the time was for the whole weekend...the sun was my only guide). I had to be careful, as at times there was a ditch on one side of the road and a ravine on the other.


My cabin was only a few metres from the edge of the lake and faced south. It was basic - just one room with a bed, armchair, dining table and two wooden chairs, a woodstove, and small kitchen area with a sink (no taps) and a three-ring gas burner. To get in, I had to unlock a padlock. When I was inside, a tiny hook just about held the door shut, though I could see daylight around the edges! I took drinking water with me, and water for washing was obtained from a tap near the office.

I was grateful to get the woodstove heated up (though it took me a few attempts to get the fire going sufficiently).

Friday night I didn’t sleep very well - that’s not unusual when I’m in a strange bed - and the first time I woke up, I had to go to the outhouse with my flashlight (creepy) and then I made myself tea and porridge thinking it must be nearly morning. In the end I went back to bed and woke again at dawn - then back to bed again and up when the sun was high.

The lake is at least partly managed by people - there’s a dam at the western end of it. I suspect it is also stocked with fish for the people who come to rent boats and go fishing. An open area runs around it, between the tree line (high water mark) and the water. I enjoyed a walk around part of the lake on Saturday morning.

There are black cows ranging around the area - I was told that the rancher is supposed to keep them away from the lake, but isn’t very successful. In fact, the most hazardous thing I saw all weekend was the large cowpats strewn everywhere. Apparently they've only seen three bears in the last 30 years, but I was still wary. I would have loved to see some deer, but no luck. I did see some tiny chipmunks though.

I had started knitting the Droplet hat before I left and I finished it sitting in the sun on Saturday afternoon. I never want to knit bobbles again! I think I will give this hat to someone who will suit it better than me.

Later I made the project that I had originally planned for this weekend - a drawstring bag to keep my tarot cards safe. I have a mini set of Motherpeace cards so only needed to make a small bag. Referring to some instructions I had brought with me for making different shapes from the centre out, I decreased for the base of the bag to form a pentagon. I’m pleased with how it turned out. You’ll see I used the blue colourway of yarn for the bag - I started with the green/brown, but it was getting a depressingly army-camouflage effect - NOT something I wanted.





Saturday night, on another trip to the outhouse, I stepped outside the cabin door and was awestruck by the sky. Stars - billions of them. No light pollution blocks the view of the stars up there. I could see Orion directly in front of me (one of the few constellations I actually recognise) but it was just part of a huge wash of stars. They were so bright, they were reflected in the lake. I stayed outside for as long as my nervous disposition would let me, just gazing at the wonder of it all.






This was a very introspective weekend. Much thinking, meditating, visualising, left-handed drawing, reading and interpreting of tarot cards. I had some enlightening thoughts while wandering about on the beach or sitting on a rock.





It was so unusual to just have to take care of myself. If the whole family had gone to a cabin like that, I would have remained in the role of mother/caretaker, washing dishes, constantly making sure that everyone had enough to eat, etc. This weekend, I was just me. And I had a chance to find out more about who this “me” really is, what I believe in, what I want, without interruptions or time limits.

I certainly wasn’t lonely (there were people around with whom I could have interacted more if I had felt like it) but I was glad to be coming home Sunday morning. A break like that does make you appreciate what you have - a loving husband, nutty kids, hot and cold running water and an ensuite bathroom!

Women and power

Something has been happening within me for the last week or so. I feel a sense of energy that needs to be released or directed. Sometimes I feel it in my solar plexus, sometimes in my chest. It's not unpleasant - it's the sort of feeling you get as a kid when it's your birthday tomorrow!

At my age, I am expecting changes in my body - hormone fluctuations, monthly cycle ups and downs.

But what I am feeling right now is a wish to claim my power as a woman. To feel as though I am connected to all my female ancestors, those who understood our connection to all things. To find rituals that are meaningful to me in celebrating who I am, my place in the world, and the cycles of nature.

I have just finished reading an empowering book, Woman at the Edge of Two Worlds by Lynn Andrews. It is written by an American shaman who talks about her own path through menopause and the experiences of her four apprentices. It is a book that I am grateful to have found before experiencing menopause as its knowledge will help me understand the changes to come and realise that women who no longer bleed move into a new phase of powerfulness and wisdom.

I had put a few books on hold at the library just by searching "shamanism" and one that came in today is Shakti Woman: Feeling our Fire, Healing our World: The New Female Shamanism. It's written by Vicki Noble, the author of Motherpeace (I have the tarot cards and am planning on buying the Motherpeace book to help me interpret the cards more fully).

I have only just started reading this book, but I am enjoying its message. Something I have been aware of for some time is how much I dislike patriarchal religions. Most, if not all, religions today were invented - yes, invented - by men for two main reasons, as I see it. First, to replace pagan traditions and beliefs, and secondly to disempower women.

We have lost so much knowledge from the days when women lived in tribes, giving birth naturally, menstruating together in tune with the cycles of the moon, living immersed in nature.

My goal is to work towards more personal strength (emotionally and spiritually), to embrace the changes I will experience in my body over the next few years, and to become a "crone" or "wise woman" who will be a mentor to others. Quite a challenge, but the work has already started!

I'm so excited!

I'm really looking forward to next weekend. I am taking a (well-earned) break from family life and disappearing to a little cabin next to a lake for a couple of nights.

I'll drive there on Friday night (it's not a long drive) and come home Sunday.

I've been meaning to have a retreat of some kind for years. Tai Chi Man had a weekend away last year, I think it was, and now it's my turn. I'll be taking my tarot cards, some simple knitting, a notebook and coloured pencils, warm clothing (it's at a higher altitude than my house) and some basic foodstuffs and plan to have lots of quiet, meditative, time to myself.

I can't wait!

The pH Miracle

Tai Chi Man has been reading lots about the health benefits of eating certain foods to alkalinise the body. Most of what we eat is acid-forming in the body which in turn creates weight problems, illness and disease. Take some of the things which form the standard diet - coffee, meat, dairy - and research shows that they are acid-forming.

We currently have two books from the library by Robert and Shelley Young - The pH Miracle and The pH Miracle for Weight Loss. Both are good, but I think I'd like to buy the second one - not only does it have a list of foods and their alkaline/acid effect on the body, but it has an excellent rebounding (small trampoline) workout and a lot of recipes.

This weekend, Tai Chi Man and I are undergoing a three day juice cleanse. We are drinking diluted green juice (that I make in my juicer with salad greens, parsley, celery and cucumber) and lots of water and Barlean's Greens powder. One of the staples of the alkalinising program is "green drink" which we call Nile Water! To a litre of water, I add a teaspoon of the green powder, the juice of half a lime and a few drops of hydrogen peroxide. I am drinking three litres of the Nile Water each day plus two litres of plain water, plus my fresh juice.

I'm glad that we're both doing this cleanse, because it helps to have support. Most of the time I feel fine, but I have noticed a little weakness in the muscles which is a sign of detoxifying.

After the three days, we will be eating only alkalinising foods for at least a month. For us, this won't be as hard as it would be for someone eating the usual omnivorous diet. Being vegan, we don't eat meat, fish and dairy, and we don't drink coffee or black tea. However sweet fruits have always been a favourite of mine, and those are out. Some nuts and grains are also out.

After a period of eating just alkalinising foods, we will be able to introduce some of the foods from the acidic side of the chart, but keeping them to a maximum of 20% of our diet. It is also recommended that at least half of what you eat is raw, which is fine with me.

I am hoping to see some great results - I already lost a couple of inches in the first day and would love to say goodbye to cellulite forever.

Radical Forgiveness

I have just re-read this book, Radical Forgiveness, by Colin C Tipping. I read it a few years ago, then was reminded of it when Amanda mentioned it. I believe in synchronicity. I put the book on hold at the library and have enjoyed reading it a second time.

I don't subscribe to any organised religion. My beliefs are an eclectic mix, and I have respect for some of the beliefs from various cultures including Buddhism, Wicca and Native American. Having an open mind is important while reading this book.

The book talks about people as being spiritual beings having a human experience. It says that we decide on the learning experience that we will have on earth before we are born into our physical bodies. If we are upset by someone, we are being given the chance to heal past hurts. We need to get away from the victim mentality and recognise that everything that happens to us is created by us for a reason.

Towards the end of the book, the author gives a worksheet to enable the reader to work through a specific problem. Long before I reached that worksheet, I had already found myself at a place where I was able to see that the strife with my friends a few months ago was meant to happen - I created it, even though I didn't see it at the time. I have played the victim role, complaining about what happened, and my internal dialogue was making me miserable.

I have now moved on to a state of radical forgiveness, which is unlike traditional forgiveness. Radical Forgiveness involves realising that there is nothing to forgive - my friends and I played our roles as we were meant to. If for some reason I do not learn my life lesson this time, then I will continue to attract similar situations until I succeed.

I have no doubt that anger and resentment can cause disease in the body. I have had to visit the doctor recently and, whilst he treated the symptoms, he made no indication of knowing the real cause of my problem. But I do. It was emotional stress and tension. Now that I have dealt with the real cause, my physical problem is going away.

I don't know what will happen to the relationships that were affected by all this "personal growth", but I am feeling better in myself, I feel happy again, and I am no longer dwelling on the past or making assumptions about the future. I definitely recommend this book!

We interrupt this programme...

to bring you an introspective post, as a change from the travel talk.

While I was on holiday, I was immersed in my family and revisiting familiar places and I was able to (mostly) forget about my issues back in Canada. Now I'm home again, I'm back to assessing my emotional landscape and I have to say it's not pretty!

When I look back over my adult life, I see a pattern. It's like overlapping Ferris Wheels. One wheel relates to diet and exercise - raw/not raw, lots of exercise/minimal exercise, weight up/weight down.

Another wheel relates to volunteer work. I have been on a few committees in my time and what usually happens is I take on a job, I do it for too long, I fail to delegate, get fed up and overburdened, and quit. You'd think by now I'd know that I'm not indispensable. If I step down, there's someone who'll take over, and they'll do things differently, but that's okay. That's what's happening with our local homeschool support group. I just had to get out of the way.

A third wheel would be my emotional health. I don't suffer from depression (I don't think) but no one can go through life being "up" all the time. Most of the time, my life trundles along satisfactorily, relationships are working out, no major events to push things off the rails. However I will suddenly go through a phase of insecurity, when I will misinterpret things, second-guess myself, make assumptions and generally make myself miserable for no apparent reason!

I think what I should do when I go through one of these slumps is to lock myself away until the feeling passes! Not make any big decisions or communicate with anyone for fear of alienating people. (Oops, too late, I already did that!)

When I'm in a "life is wonderful" phase, I feel valued, I feel loved, I feel supported, I feel needed. I have a suspicion that this is all an illusion. I have organised the local homeschool group for about 5 years and been there almost every week for 8 years, and a few weeks ago I dropped out suddenly - and hardly anyone noticed. Very humbling.

The reason for my avoiding meetings is that my relationship with some of the mothers has soured. I thought it would be a good idea to put some space between us as meeting at the park, even with others there, would be uncomfortable for all of us.

However I now realise that in withdrawing from the group's activities, I and my kids are losing out more than anyone. The rest of the group has lost one family - we have lost many.

Can I ever recapture the good feelings of being a part of this group? Will I have the courage to go to the beach this summer so my kids can play with their friends? And, most importantly, is there a chance that the friend who made it painfully clear a few weeks ago that our friendship of 7 years was over is as unhappy as I am and will reconsider her position?

Who'd have thought peri-menopause would be this rocky? When I was 25, I probably thought that I'd know it all by 45. Not! I was recently confiding in my 74 year old friend and she says she still doesn't have her shit together, so it looks like I have many years ahead of me to work on my "stuff".

Sigh!

Housecleaning - real and mental

No photos today, I'm afraid, so you'll have to take my word for it when I tell you it was a beautiful sunny Sunday yesterday. The temperature was up to 25 degrees and I made sure to change into a swimsuit and toast myself for 15 minutes on each side out on my deck! Sunshine is so good for the mood and the immune system.

My husband was out in the garden in a pair of shorts, sowing seeds and transplanting seedlings. He mowed the grass for the first time this year. The kids were outside kicking a ball around. We went for a bike ride around the neighbourhood (R and I had to dust the cobwebs off our bikes - we haven't used them for a while.) I did some weight training. I baked bread. I did four loads of laundry and dried them on the clothesline. Aaah, the pleasure of collapsing into bed at the end of a pleasantly busy day and putting my head on a pillowcase smelling fresh from being dried outside.

We turned on the irrigation for the first time too, and the boys put on their swimshorts so they could get wet and cool off.

The evening was a time for tea and reading the last of The Sorceror: Fort at River's Bend, the penultimate book in the Skystone series by Jack Whyte.

On Saturday, when I brought home all the groceries, I decided it was time to clean the fridge, so everything came out, food, shelves and all. I washed it all down and put everything back and it looked so neat and clean. I also realised it was time to go through my plastics cupboard - it was getting to the stage that opening the door might result in stuff falling out. So I took everything out of there, matched up containers and lids, recycled a bunch of soy yogurt pots, and now that cupboard is neat too.

Funny how, when one part of my life is in chaos, I feel the need to control another part. My fridge is clean, my plastic containers are lined up, today I'm vacuuming and cleaning the bathrooms, and I wish it was just as easy to do the same inside my head.

Unfortunately, the last week has been a virtual rollercoaster - actually that's not a good analogy, a rollercoaster implies ups as well as downs. I think a better analogy would be "it's going down the toilet". If I were to compare my perception of my current relationships with three particular friends to three earthenware pots, I would say that two are cracked and the third is smashed into little pieces on the floor.

The magic of synchronicity led to my husband finding an appropriate book on the library shelves on Saturday. It's called How to Heal Toxic Thoughts and I've started reading it and completed one of the meditations this morning.

Introspection

I’ve had an emotionally draining time the last few days. Well, probably the last few months actually, when you consider I was working my way towards my black belt test and all the pressures that entailed.

I thought that once my black belt test was over, I would feel a huge weight lift off my shoulders. I did, for a while. I now have more time to knit, read all my library books, play Tetris on L’s DS Lite, and look forward to my holiday in a few weeks’ time.

However, I am a sensitive type (well, before someone calls me on that, sometimes I miss cues from others that something may be wrong, partly perhaps because my hearing is not as good as it could be and I don’t pick up on the nuances of the conversation). But as I was saying, I’m sensitive when it comes to taking things personally. My regular instructor (not the same person as the instructor who conducted the testing on Friday night and confirmed I had passed the test) made a comment about it being an “OK” test, and I then began to think back to what I could have done better (even though there were four of us). Instead of focussing on the positive, there I am beating myself up mentally and wondering whether tonight’s Taekwondo class will involve a number of criticisms of what we did wrong.

I will have to remember to take any criticism as a way of improving my Taekwondo and not a personal attack.

That’s something I find really hard, and I’m so grateful to my friend, who I was on the phone with for at least an hour last night. She is a wise woman who always has a considered opinion to share.

I was in tears at least twice during that conversation, and considering that she is going through chemotherapy she could have said to me, “What’s your problem, at least you don’t have cancer!” But she’d never do that.

I had one of those experiences last week where you mentally step back and think, “Woah, where did THAT come from?” In the phone conversation with my friend, she affirmed for me that I was justified in feeling hurt, though she reminded me that usually when someone says something it often has to do with what’s going on in their lives, and they didn’t necessarily mean to hurt you.

However, even though I know that, the pain in my chest from the constant thoughts running around in my head has been worse than any physical aches and pains resulting from fighting black belts on Friday night. It’s a good thing that I have this physical outlet for my frustration, because otherwise I think I’d have an ulcer by now!

You won’t see me over at Four Friends and a Blog any more - I have decided to focus on this blog from now on. I like posting frequently and to do this blog justice I don’t want to have to divide my time. I will try not to be so gloomy in future!

On food intolerance and nagging

Here's an update since my whine about my oldest son. I mentioned he seemed to sniff and clear his throat a lot. He would eat a lot of oranges and grapefuit every night, but had mentioned that he didn't want to eat them any more because they were making him feel sick. So I stopped buying them and, guess what, after a few days he seemed to have lost the sniffles. However they came back, and now I suspect tomatoes. He eats a lot of canned tomatoes and commercial salsa and I think a couple of weeks of not eating them will do him good. Maybe we can reintroduce them later on and see if he notices any effect.

I did get a heavy tome out of the library on food allergy and intolerance, but it didn't really help. I was hoping to be able to look up a food and its likely symptoms, but of course everyone has a different reaction to different foods.

I made a decision yesterday that I would try to keep my mouth shut around my dear son if it was something I'd said before. In other words, if I had something new to say, fine, but if it was another nagging session about how he should be getting more exercise or whatever, then zip it, mum!

My friend Amanda told me that she had tried a new way of doing things. If a mess was bothering her, she would clear it up rather than nag her son to do it. She felt a lot better. At the time, I responded that I would feel resentful either way. If I nag L to clear up the food mess around his computer, I feel resentful that he doesn't do it immediately, if at all. If I do it, I feel resentful that I feel like a maid! Lose lose for me.

However yesterday I was washing dishes and decided that while the water was hot I would go downstairs and get any plates or whatever from the computer room and quietly (without being a martyr) remove them and wash them. I felt good - I knew that the dishes were all clean, there wasn't a smelly pile of stuff downstairs, and I didn't have to nag L to do it. That wasn't so hard. Thanks Amanda!

You learn something new every day!

I learned something this week. If you want to rant, sometimes it’s a good idea to type it into an Appleworks document and leave it on your “desktop” overnight. It gives you a sense of perspective and means that you are less likely to say something you’ll regret in public!

So this post is a very different version from the original, but that’s a good thing!

I also learned that it’s very easy to find something that will support your point of view. Google the subject you want to read about, and there’ll be a million sites with a million points of view, so you’re bound to find one that says what you wanted to hear.

So I might google “the benefits of a vegan diet” and find some very reassuring articles and research which support my beliefs, and if I choose I can then refer to this “evidence” when arguing my point with others.

We don’t like it when others disagree with us, do we? Or is it just me? I have had someone disagree with me twice in an online forum this week, stating that she has read that vegan and/or raw diets are not sustainable or optimally healthy and that there is no evidence that our ancestors ate that way.

Of course, my hackles rose and I started typing up my rant ready for publication.

Then I had second thoughts.

I realise that I have read much to support my point of view, both online and in books. She has done her own reading, which obviously comes to a different conclusion.

We can try to make assumptions on how our ancestors lived, how early humans ate, from archaeological finds. We can make assumptions on what the human body is designed to eat based on the fact that our digestive system is similar to a herbivore’s and totally different from a carnivore’s. Some people use religious texts as their “proof”, but that has no influence on me, as I do not subscribe to any organised religion.

So I have decided that in future I will keep it simple. When someone asks me why I am vegan or eat a lot of raw food, I will keep the answers personal. My personal reasons cannot be refuted, argued or questioned (although people will undoubtedly try).

I am vegan because I believe it is good for me, I eat a lot of raw food because I feel great, I lose weight, I have more energy, my conscience is clear as I am not contributing to the mass slaughter of sentient animals, and I am helping the earth as I have a smaller “footprint” (I read today that becoming vegan is better for the planet than buying a hybrid car).

Even though I believe, totally, that the first humans must have eaten a raw plant diet, those first humans didn’t keep journals, so we will never know how they really lived. I believe that the perfection of nature means that the food we are designed to eat is the fruits of the trees, unadulterated - our bodies are perfectly designed to digest these foods as they come, straight off the plant, not cooked to death, or processed into something that can’t really be called food. I cannot believe that humans are the only species on the planet that have to cook their food.

Oops, I’m off again - better stop now before this post gets to be a mile long!