to bring you an introspective post, as a change from the travel talk.
While I was on holiday, I was immersed in my family and revisiting familiar places and I was able to (mostly) forget about my issues back in Canada. Now I'm home again, I'm back to assessing my emotional landscape and I have to say it's not pretty!
When I look back over my adult life, I see a pattern. It's like overlapping Ferris Wheels. One wheel relates to diet and exercise - raw/not raw, lots of exercise/minimal exercise, weight up/weight down.
Another wheel relates to volunteer work. I have been on a few committees in my time and what usually happens is I take on a job, I do it for too long, I fail to delegate, get fed up and overburdened, and quit. You'd think by now I'd know that I'm not indispensable. If I step down, there's someone who'll take over, and they'll do things differently, but that's okay. That's what's happening with our local homeschool support group. I just had to get out of the way.
A third wheel would be my emotional health. I don't suffer from depression (I don't think) but no one can go through life being "up" all the time. Most of the time, my life trundles along satisfactorily, relationships are working out, no major events to push things off the rails. However I will suddenly go through a phase of insecurity, when I will misinterpret things, second-guess myself, make assumptions and generally make myself miserable for no apparent reason!
I think what I should do when I go through one of these slumps is to lock myself away until the feeling passes! Not make any big decisions or communicate with anyone for fear of alienating people. (Oops, too late, I already did that!)
When I'm in a "life is wonderful" phase, I feel valued, I feel loved, I feel supported, I feel needed. I have a suspicion that this is all an illusion. I have organised the local homeschool group for about 5 years and been there almost every week for 8 years, and a few weeks ago I dropped out suddenly - and hardly anyone noticed. Very humbling.
The reason for my avoiding meetings is that my relationship with some of the mothers has soured. I thought it would be a good idea to put some space between us as meeting at the park, even with others there, would be uncomfortable for all of us.
However I now realise that in withdrawing from the group's activities, I and my kids are losing out more than anyone. The rest of the group has lost one family - we have lost many.
Can I ever recapture the good feelings of being a part of this group? Will I have the courage to go to the beach this summer so my kids can play with their friends? And, most importantly, is there a chance that the friend who made it painfully clear a few weeks ago that our friendship of 7 years was over is as unhappy as I am and will reconsider her position?
Who'd have thought peri-menopause would be this rocky? When I was 25, I probably thought that I'd know it all by 45. Not! I was recently confiding in my 74 year old friend and she says she still doesn't have her shit together, so it looks like I have many years ahead of me to work on my "stuff".
Sigh!
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8 comments:
Speaking from experience here.... I got in a bit of a mess with a very close friend and neighbour a few years back. Things got nasty and we both put our noses in the air and have continued to live our lives snubbing each other. We have had to withdraw from other relationships because they were close friends & relatives of our ex-friends and everyone/everything is awkward & weird. I spent the first few years very adamant that I was right and "screw them"... but now I am questioning where that got me. There is no way for us to go back because things that were said on both sides cut VERY deep.... they have festered and gotten deeper as each year has passed.... I don't know what I would/could/should have done differently, but I know that the path I took wasn't the right path. I am here today knowing that my closest friend in the whole world, and my husband's closest friend, and my two boys' closest friends are no longer in our lives. It is very humbling to know that people aren't willing to come back and beg for our forgiveness and beg us to be a part of their lives... maybe we got what we deserved (??)
The worst part is that my kids watched this whole episode play out and I fear that the way I handled things didn't give them a very good experience to model in their own lives.
I hope that you can glean something from my mistake.
Rebecca :)
Ugh. Nicola- my heart goes out to you and your dilemma. We have just gone through the same experience, volunteering at church, my husband rocking out on the drums and I teach sunday school. We decided it wasnt for us after 2 years of it not being what we need in our lives at this point. We are/were friends with the pastor and wife but since we have left, no phone calls, no emails, nothing. It is very hard to feel insignificant and un cared for.
We arent even looking at another church. Who knows. I know you aren't Christian (I think you aren't?) but it is all the same mess, in churches and out.
We are part of the Westside homeschoolers and may meet up with you some day. Until then, I wish you peace.
Thank you, Rebecca and Kelly, for your comments. More food for thought!
sending you psychic hugs and kisses.... we love you, respect you, cherish you.... and want you back!!!!
xxxx C and D
I guess the simple truth is that most of our relationships are transient.
In essence many of those we consider to be "friends" are probably better described as acuaintences (my lover could spell that)
Real friends understand and forgive our foibles, our mood swings, our personal growth and changing circumstance.
Our true friends are never afraid to voice their opinions to us secure in the knowledge that we will always love them even if at times we do not like them or at least agree with their views.wgfr
Sadly, if all our friends are in one "group" and we fall out with "the group" ... our loss is manifold.
At such a time we have to ask if we really wish to re-build bridges and renew friendships which may now seem more superficial, more conditional than we had hoped.
someone may wish to offer the proverbial olive branch but any thus re-kindled friendship may be more tenuous and fragile that the hitherto perceived friendship.
on a lighter note...
Bob Hope was once asked about his friendship with Bing Crosby.
He replied:-
"There is nothing I would not do for Bing, and nothing Bing would not do for me - and that is how we spend our lives, doing nothing for each other!"
Thanks guys, I love you too!
Hi Nicola,
I have no idea what went on, but I'm sad nonetheless. It's a drag falling out with people.
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