Introspection

I’ve had an emotionally draining time the last few days. Well, probably the last few months actually, when you consider I was working my way towards my black belt test and all the pressures that entailed.

I thought that once my black belt test was over, I would feel a huge weight lift off my shoulders. I did, for a while. I now have more time to knit, read all my library books, play Tetris on L’s DS Lite, and look forward to my holiday in a few weeks’ time.

However, I am a sensitive type (well, before someone calls me on that, sometimes I miss cues from others that something may be wrong, partly perhaps because my hearing is not as good as it could be and I don’t pick up on the nuances of the conversation). But as I was saying, I’m sensitive when it comes to taking things personally. My regular instructor (not the same person as the instructor who conducted the testing on Friday night and confirmed I had passed the test) made a comment about it being an “OK” test, and I then began to think back to what I could have done better (even though there were four of us). Instead of focussing on the positive, there I am beating myself up mentally and wondering whether tonight’s Taekwondo class will involve a number of criticisms of what we did wrong.

I will have to remember to take any criticism as a way of improving my Taekwondo and not a personal attack.

That’s something I find really hard, and I’m so grateful to my friend, who I was on the phone with for at least an hour last night. She is a wise woman who always has a considered opinion to share.

I was in tears at least twice during that conversation, and considering that she is going through chemotherapy she could have said to me, “What’s your problem, at least you don’t have cancer!” But she’d never do that.

I had one of those experiences last week where you mentally step back and think, “Woah, where did THAT come from?” In the phone conversation with my friend, she affirmed for me that I was justified in feeling hurt, though she reminded me that usually when someone says something it often has to do with what’s going on in their lives, and they didn’t necessarily mean to hurt you.

However, even though I know that, the pain in my chest from the constant thoughts running around in my head has been worse than any physical aches and pains resulting from fighting black belts on Friday night. It’s a good thing that I have this physical outlet for my frustration, because otherwise I think I’d have an ulcer by now!

You won’t see me over at Four Friends and a Blog any more - I have decided to focus on this blog from now on. I like posting frequently and to do this blog justice I don’t want to have to divide my time. I will try not to be so gloomy in future!